We all do it, it’s human nature to try be considerate of others or to make others like us and so we act in ways to please others. But at what point is it no longer healthy? When does “people pleasing” come at a cost to your own happiness?
To act in a way that is kind, helpful or considerate of others is of course a wonderful trait. We all know people who are like this. But when we talk about “people pleasing” in the unhealthy sense, we’re talking about when you prioritise the wants/needs or demands of others above your own. For many it can be easy to know whether or not they feel like they are a people pleaser, others maybe aren’t so sure. The below will help:
⁃ Do you find you often or always say ‘yes’ to things, even when you don’t particularly want to?
⁃ Are you afraid that by saying ‘no’ you’re letting people down or that they may be angry with you?
⁃ Do you find yourself exhausted by constantly juggling additional tasks that others have asked of you?
⁃ Do you feel a quiet resentment towards the people in your life because it feels like they asked too much of you?
⁃ Are you overly worried about what others think of you?
⁃ Do you feel like you/your needs come second (or even last)?
If the above sounds painfully familiar you may be in ‘people pleaser’ territory. You may be thinking to yourself, “So what? Who cares if I put others first, isn’t that a good thing?”. Of course there are times in life when the needs or demands of others have to come before your own. After you’ve had a baby, when a family member is seriously ill or injured, at times in work and when your partner or family member needs support through a difficult time. Of course these are all important considerations and in general being a thoughtful and considerate person is a positive however, when it becomes chronic it becomes a problem.
If you are always secondary to every and any request it has a severe and serious impact not only on your emotional and mental well-being. The dangers of people pleasing include anxiety, stress, depression, burnout, resentment of loved ones and even yourself. It all comes from the constant subversion of your own needs once and desires in favour of others. Breaking the cycle can be extremely difficult because after such an extended period of ignoring your own needs, it’s very easy to become out of touch with what you truly want to do in any given moment. The inner dialogue then complicates it even more, “I guess I don’t mind doing that for her, maybe I’m not really that busy”, “If I say no to this they’ll be so annoyed with me, I’ll just say yes to avoid an argument”, “I can’t let them down, they’re depending on me”.
In actual fact, it’s completely alright to say no to requests sometimes. You don’t have to have a million reasons to say no, it can simply be because you just don’t feel like it and you don’t owe an extensive explanation around it. Your needs matter just as much as others. Next time you’re asked something that isn’t a necessity, for example a friend doesn’t feel like catching the bus and has asked you to drive them to the airport, and you don’t want to do it, take yourself through the following to help avoid people pleasing:
⁃ I am allowed to say no to a request.
⁃ My needs are equally important.
⁃ I don’t have to have a million reasons why I can’t do it, “no I’m sorry I can’t” is more than enough.
⁃ I don’t have to earn my rest.
⁃ I am not responsible for other people’s emotions.
⁃ If a friend, colleague or partner is truly that angry over me saying ‘no’ to a non-essential request (ie they have other options, it’s not a high risk situation etc) then it is the relationship that needs to be evaluated not yourself.
⁃ As an easy test, ask yourself “if they hadn’t asked me to do this, would I feel obligated to offer?”
Remember, learning to say no at first can feel awkward but it gets easier over time. Soon, with practice you will feel more comfortable and confident in prioritising yourself over others.
